The nicest compliment

I have found myself in a situation where I get to work with one of my dear friends, Lexi. Now this girl basically radiates sun beams of joy out of her crystal-like blue eyes. She has a rad haircut (please god let rad still be a cool word to use in front of my friends), and just such a cool style about her. Anyone she meets at work is instantly drawn to her personality, she is a professional charmer and it works on everyone...I mean everyone. I on the other hand am still learning how to interact in the public real world. If I forget to consciously smile, my awesome genetics have given me a permanent frowning face. I can stand there totally content and I look pissed, it's a gift what can I say. Lets just leave it at this girl is a damn cutie pie!

Lexi has just altered her style a little bit, her hair got a little more daring, her clothing is getting a little more funktified, and she is wearing these cool new rocker glasses. One of our sales rep came in today. Noticed how different she looked and her great new look she is pulling off. He looks at her, says wow Lexi, your hair is so great! Oh man I love the color you have going on here in your clothes and how it really just works so great with your new glasses. Wow you look so great!! I am just casually standing around waiting for time to pass at work. He looks over at me and notices me standing there too. I think he felt like the obligation to say something to me so I wouldn't feel bad, sometimes I guess girls get a little upset when one girl gets all the attention, haha. He is so sweet, he really did try. He looks at me, walks over and says, Oh and Caylee, your hair....it's so....naturally....Looong, and dark.

It was awesome, and so frickin hilarious it actually made me just use the word frickin!

I just learned how not to cook rice :/

So I have decided to try to learn a new art....cooking, and damn it, it is an art! One that I am just getting to know the ropes on, one that I probably should have started practicing at least 10 years ago. I just hope I don't end up one of those mothers whose children are traumatized by the mush I serve them.

Well I just tried to make fried rice, and I added a new piece of knowledge to my cooking skills. Rice can be over cooked. I did not know this, I was like oh well there is still some water in here lets just keep on cooking it. Doesn't actually work that way. Instead of having egg fried rice, I am eating a nice bowl of egg fried paste. Better luck next time... Cooking fail.

Oh is it weird I like to cook in underwear and high heels? I think not, if I were a male dressed in a thong and high heels maybe, but damn it gets hot in there, and you always have to look pretty right?

Sugar zombie woman...and chocolate, DON'T FORGET THE CHOCOLATE!!

So I actually have a pretty healthy diet. I don't eat fast food, and tend to shop on the outer edges of the grocery store (that's where they keep the fresh food for anyone who doesn't know). I didn't always have such a healthy diet, used to be boxed hamburger helper, roman noodles, and taco bell. It is quite a challenge sometimes switching your diet to a healthier lifestyle. Less convenient, more clean up, and not quite as tasty (at first). Although I have accomplished this diet change, I just can't quite seem to shake my sugar addiction! I love sweets, cakes, cookies, chocolate, candies, ice cream....Mmmm! Now this wouldn't be such a bad thing if I didn't actually turn into a zombie over this stuff. Once I see it, I can't think about anything else but eating it. It is almost as if I have an instinct to kill, kill those sweets, all of them, and don't stop until they are gone. No sweet left standing here! So when I get a thing of chocolate, or candies, they don't last more than 20 minutes, and I feel so sick after! Sugar rush from hell!! I one time bought 5 bags of Reisens because they were on sale...they only lasted 3 days...(hangs head in shame)

Now after this Reisen incident, I decided I needed to take action, and quit sweets. Now you know that whole damned human instinct that ALWAYS wants what you can't have. Well having that instinct mixed with the addiction on top of it can actually put the anti sweet thing on your brain like a crack addict. Now, I don't want to lessen the severity of a crack addiction or anything, but I would gather that it was similar to something like this. I couldn't stop thinking of how bad I needed a candy, a cookie, anything, let me stick my damn finger in a sugar jar, for god's sake just let me have some!!! Now, I did it for a few days, eventually I blew it all off, but I tried. 

Here is the problem, unlike breaking an addiction to a heavy drug, sweets are being waved in my face every couple of hours! Everywhere I drive, the radio, we even have a damn lady who walks around the neighborhood and comes into my work carrying her basket of delicious freshly backed cookies. I don't know about crack, but I don't see billboards and radio ads talking about how nice this crack will feel once you get some in you. You for damn sure don't have a neighborhood lady carrying around her basket of drugs just casually popping in the door and shoving the temptation right in your face! She walks by and I can feel the chemicals in my brain start instantly turning into the sugar crazed zombie calling out to that delicious snack. 

Anyways, that is my sugar rant, I will defeat this eventually!!

This is a poem that my mother gave to me when I was in desperate need of it... She is unsure of the author, so I wish that I could pass on credit, but it is something so powerful and amazing I think everyone should have the chance to read it.

Love is a gift that one person makes to another. It is a gift of the heart, and the heart "signs no documents". It does not sign a lease, a mortgage, nor a bill of sale. It offers no warranties of service nor guarantee of faithfulness. It is well to remember this both that your have no inalienable right to another's continued affection and that you have no obligation of your own always to love someone you once loved.  

Sometimes, if your own life is to add up, you must subtract yourself from someone else's life. This time comes, I think, whenever you find that affection of love of someone else can only be kept at the cost of yourself. If you are on the receiving end of much criticism, if the other has nothing but dissatisfaction with you, if you have lost the sense that to be yourself is a good and decent thing, it is time to get out. If love lessens you, if an undeclared war is being carried on in it's name, if it is painful and joyless, if it is an excuse for destructive demands, it is time to let the love go and save yourself.  

You will find another love, but not an other self.

The purpose of life...

During the years of my spiritual journey within myself I have contemplated many things. I suppose my mind is very philosophical in the way I process big questions such as infinity, consciousness, and the universe in general. So upon this roller coaster of ups and downs I would sometimes feel very enlightened, and then sometimes feel very small and insignificant when questioning the universe, and of course the all popular question "what is my purpose?" If the universe is so huge, and goes on infinitely, then what does my tiny little speck of a life matter?

This is very abstract, one of my beliefs is that the universe expands infinitely outwards, and also infinitely inwards, which I will leave for another topic, but with that being said, I believe that the earth, and the solar system itself could potentially be just looping systems within each other. Take this photo to the right for example. The image of a brain cell and an image of the universe. Very similar, but one is a much larger scale compared with the other. 

So now lets look at our own bodies. Just one human body is made up of trillions and trillions of individual cells. Each tiny cell is an individual compartment of life, living and working together within a community of other individual living cells. Each cell needs to metabolize energy, to excrete waste products, and to perform its "job." Each type of cell has a different type of job to perform, the heart cells, the liver cells, the skin cells of your body are all working together to keep you alive. If you didn't have them, you would no longer be in existence. 

Now if one day each of your cells looked at each other and said, "you know I am pretty bored of life, I don't do anything except exist and perform each of these tasks everyday, I think I will just die now" Then obviously the result would be you dying. However these cells just keep on living, and keeping you alive. Each cell in your body keeps on living, without knowing its purpose for doing so. They don't know that they are the reason that this magnificent person is able to sit here and read this right now. They do this with no knowledge or motivation. If you look at it on this scale, perhaps you are serving your purpose on some scale that you are unaware of. Maybe you just existing doing what you are doing is enough. There doesn't need to be any reason that you have to know about to continue existing. If you let go of this nagging question seeking out your purpose in life, then perhaps you can begin to just focus on today, and live to enjoy life every day. Do things that make you happy, laugh and smile and don't worry about why you're doing it other than to pass time in the most fulfilling way possible for you.

The world is interpreted through our sensory organs. Sight, smell, taste, touch, sound. Your eyes don't see images, they interpret the reflecting waves of light off of objects. These waves pass into your eye and you see an image that is put together within your brain. Everything you see, is not tangible, it is just light waves. When you smell something, you don't actually smell anything, small particles bond to the inside of your nostrils and sends signals to your brain. Same with taste, it is all just chemical signals to your brain. When we feel things and electrical signal is sent from to nerve ending to the brain. All sounds are just patters of sound waves vibrating the inside of your ear, which again sends this information to your brain. We are the only living beings on this planet that have to luxury to manipulate our own reality. We can take light waves and create art so that our visual stimulus is receiving great pleasure from what we are seeing. We create soft materials to feel against our skin, beautiful music that makes us feel amazing inside. We have hundreds of different recipes and wonderful smells that we as humans get to experience. Every sensory organ that we experience reality has the option of taking in very pleasurable experiences, that a mammal living in the forest doesn't have the option of experiencing. 

We don't need a freaking purpose to life when we create everything for ourselves. Even our own mindset. You can choose to be miserable, or choose not to be, either way it is all up to you. If you are at a point where you are sick of the artificial stimulus that we create, then take yourself back to nature and reconnect with the earth. In reality it could be this artificial stimuli that creates such questions as what is my purpose? You never see a lion wondering what it's purpose is. Sometimes intelligence is a curse....and with that I am now ranting, and I will leave it at that. 

This is how socially awkward I can be....

Every morning on my block, you must move your car by 8. Was very hard to get used to at first, but as time has passed it is just a normal thing to me now. So the common sight is a bunch of zombie like people walking down the streets as that last stretch of 7:59 passes. We are all half asleep, bed head crazy hair, and of course in our pajamas still. All walking to our cars to drive it around a corner, park and walk back home. Standard morning. I am walking behind the guy in the building next to me, maybe 15 feet or so, he ends up at his car first, I pass him and finally come to my jeep. We both drive down to the section of parking that is non ticket territory. Since we end up at the same spot around the block, I decide to be neighborly and make a joke about the morning parking ritual we both have in common. We end up as strangers walking down the side walk together. I have been trying to sharpen my social skills with strangers, so I decide this is a great time to practice. I continue to make small talk about the cars, and he uncomfortably hints that he has a girlfriend, by mentioning the words we when he refers to his life. I picked up on the fact that he may feel that I am trying to hit on him, and I am thinking "FUCK!" I was in no position to be hitting on someone, I am not a morning person, it takes about 5 hours of morning to pass before life starts to charge into my eyes, my hair is a curly afro, I have huge dark sunglasses on to hide my dark eyes....listen buddy, I am not hitting on you!

 It was one of those situations where one of us wants to either speed up or slow down, but we have now been walking down the sidewalk next to each other for a long enough period of time that it would be very awkward to accomplish the sidewalk split. Since I am new at this whole social thing :) I start thinking how am I going to get away from this guy? I begin to think about maybe starting to pretend I am going to jog, yes that's it, I will pretend I was going to jog. Shit, realize I am in pajamas with flip flops, not really jog attire. So we come up to the crosswalk, and it was a moment for quick decisions. I could either 1. Continue to walk to my apartment next to this guy in very uncomfortable silence as he is wanting nothing to do with me 2. Continue my failed attempt to small talk with my neighbor who wants nothing to do with me OR 3. I could walk to complete opposite direction of my apartment and hide behind a corner until he is out of sight.....why that was even an option is beyond my comprehension.

So naturally I walk the other direction, wave to him saying have a nice day! I cross the street, and think to myself, well maybe I could be walking to that gas station down the street. Ya that's what I could be doing, walking to get a candy bar. Until I get across the street and it just dead ends at a highway on ramp...shit. So then my option is to wait and hide around the corner, or cross back where I came from. Well I just dash around the corner and hide for a good minute, making sure my neighbor has enough time to get out of sight so I am not humiliated at the fact that I just ran away and hid. When I start my trek back up to my apt, I am slinking closely to the wall to try to stay out of sight just in case he is still up ahead....That is how socially awkward I am, when things get weird I just run away! Such a freak!