To the unknown

I am forever at your mercy.

If I am sure of one thing, it seems to always be wrong. 

I suppose it it life making sure I recognize that change will forever be my teacher. 

As much as I want the waves to stop I am destined to forever stay fluid. 

Once I accept this it (in theory) shall get easier. 

Until then I must recognize my destiny is to pass along lessons to people who need it, and learn and grow myself from that journey. 

It will be hard to endure this burden, but I was raised for this life to fulfill it in this way. 

I am but a catalyst for people's lives to obtain clarity. 

Goodbye to the dreams of forever, open arms for my soul to be living as but a feather in the wind.

In the end that is all everyone's journey is, fragments of lessons being spiraled towards one another.

This ensures we are all growing as humanity as one, because we are all one, one with each other, one with life, one with the universe. 

To my daddy pie

I am now 26 years old, I still feel young, but I am certainly no longer 18....when you passed away.

Now that I am a young adult, things are more clear to me.

First things first, I am aware that I did in fact not know more than you did.

Now that I am who I am I would like to know more things about you.

I wish that I could know what you thought about complex issues with the world. Things like philosophical questions concerning god and the universe. How you felt about all of the pains the world has suffered and is suffering. I would like to know if you truly questioned the world and your environment. I wonder these things, because at the time, I was a simple teenager. I wanted to hang out with my friends. I didn't think about important things like this. I never had the opportunity to know you  on this level. I am sad that this is true, however I cannot regret the way I learned who you were because it was relevant to my age.

It is interesting because this is the one thing in my life that has brought me the most pain, and it is the thing that I think about the least. I cannot think about you in the good ways, or the bad ways, the way my mind deals with things is it deletes them from acknowledgment so I do not have to feel the pain that it brings.

I have come to an amazing awareness already only being into a handful of sentences. Words truly do have a great resonating meaning behind them. What you say into the universe will directly bring energy back to you. I wrote out the previous paragraph and felt such an intense burning feeling of loss and emotional turmoil, that is made me realize, that even just typing this out to you, even not being there will help me to take one further step into allowing myself to accept the future without you.

So far, since you left, I actually cannot remember much from the time before that month, and few months following. The mind is such a powerful entity into one's life that it can actually delete portions just to allow one to cope with reality. I feel once you passed my life became a drifting feather in the wind. It left me with no means of guidance other than learn by fire. I have been living through trial and error now for almost 10 years. Granted it has made me a very strong person in many aspects to life, so I cannot be upset for the journey. I feel that I have now come to a point in life, that I am ready to stop drifting. I can stop running away, because inevitably the one thing that I try to run away from always follows, that is me. It is time to take all of my growth and apply it to my own life. To allow myself to finally be the one who benefits from the journey of lessons.

I would like to know what you and Mom did when I was little. I want to hear about the times when you were in love, and why you loved her. I want to know what brought you pain. I want to know about all of the friends that came to your funeral that I didn't even know you had. They thought the world of you, and I didn't even know they existed. I don't even know if you ever went on a date with a woman, I want to know if you had a secret romance going on that I never even thought possible, because as far as I knew Ali and I were the only girls in your life. I want to hear more about your early first love Babs, you never did get over her.

I wish you could meet my best friends Heather and Kimama, because they have been the longest time friends I have ever had, and you would love them, and I want to see what it would be like for them to love you back. I wish you could have been around for the worst relationship I have ever been damaged from, because I know you would have never allowed him to do what he did. I want you to know that he knew that your energy would never have allowed him in my life so he couldn't even allow your picture to look him in the face. It makes me feel strength to know you would have protected me from this had you been here.

I wish you could comfort Alina, because I know that she has alot of questions for you like I do. Her pain from missing you almost makes me feel as if mine is insignificant. It makes me want to be strong so that she doesn't feel as alone in her journey. You will be happy to know that she has also made tremendous progress in life and has become a wonderful person you would be so proud of.

I wish that now that I know who I am, and now that I know who my mother is, that I could be a catalyst for you guys to regrow a friendship, because as stubborn as you both are, you are both very dear to me and I would love to cure the animosity that was left behind. Even if it isn't within her any longer, it is a reality in my mind.

I wish now that you could be present in my future. I wish that you were able to see who I am going to marry, and walk me down the isle to him. I wish you could be a grand daddy to my baby, because I know how cute that would be to see.

I have come to believe that sometimes angels can speak to you in dreams. I don't know that I believe in the classic term "angel" as much as positive messages from the universe meant to put ones mind at peace with an issue, but that is all a matter of irrelevant symbols we as people need to put on ideas in order to understand the content behind them. For this I will say a message from somewhere outside of my own mind.

I had a dream a few years back. The kind that was so beautiful I woke up crying out of sleep. You were building a house. You had the concrete foundation poured and it was getting ready to have the frame set. We were all standing on the slab, and you vanished. I have already lost you in reality so I understand what it means when you are no longer there in my dreams. You left the earth. The pain of losing you in my dream dropped me to my knees and I dropped my forehead to the cement and cried burying my face in my hands. Your friend Nathan leaned down and put his hand comfortingly on my shoulder. I looked up at him and as I wept I told him "I just wanted him to see the rest of the house be built." He responded with something powerful, "He was never meant to see the house be built, he was only supposed to lay the foundation."

I woke up from this dream, fully understanding the message that I was meant to receive. It was the first time I had ever come to that realization. As much as I wish to have all of these things in my message to come true for me, it was not meant to be. My life was not meant to have you transition me into my adult life. The lessons I was supposed to acquire on this journey were to be independent of your current influence.

You loved Alina and I truly more than anything in the world, and that is something special that not all children can have from their dads. It is a gift that we were fortunate enough to receive.

I understand that your soul sacrificed the rest of your life, in order to give Alina and I a gift. It sounds terrible to call death a gift, however I truly believe that was what it was. I would never have understood the world, and connected with myself on a spiritual level had this not happened to me. It opened up my mind and my world to receiving energy that I otherwise had regarded as nonsense. This has been one of the most powerful influences on my life. It has taught me to be kind, and see the beauty in everything. I am not perfect obviously, but I have the tools to understand the world on a different level. It has helped me accept people that I do not agree with. I can now be more at peace in every situation. It brings me such joy to think that I can take this energy and give it to others that are still here living with me. I want to take this and make other people feel good. Help encourage them on their own great journey. You left me with this so I can pass it along to my sisters, and my mother, and close friends and my lover. So I will leave this message to you with thank you for loving me, and thank you for showing me the way once I finally do get there.

I would compare my life journey of finding myself to falling out ofareally tall tree and hitting every branch on the way down...

I have finally come to the point in life where I am no longer at the age of believing I know everything. I have now come to the point of realization that I don't really know anything!! However I am fascinated by the capability I have to be aware of the changes I am going through on my journey to becoming myself. I love seeing the ways in which I have grown as a person, and understanding why I am the way I am and what sparked that within myself to be that way.

Now that being said I come to my purpose of this post. One thing that I have discovered about myself and I find it to be such a fun transitional point for me at the moment. 

First of all I grew up very poor, and along with this poorness level I was raised in extremely tiny towns. Usually no more than 500 people for a great part of my childhood. This leaves your imagination open to explore such fascinating things like dirt, rocks, exploring nature. You don't really realize there is actually a gigantic world out there with hundreds of diverse different cultures and people and foods and art and music....you are too busy building yourself an imaginary castle on the side of a dirt mountain, waiting for a leprechaun to make you rich so you can have a real castle and the first car you want to own is a limo....with myself clueless to the fact that a limo would be worthless without a driver. 

Now for many humans that grow up this way this is typically setting their fate up for them, not even knowing to think about a possibility of something different to strive for. Even if they wanted to they may not even have the tools of where to start. I however moved around alot, it was only all over the state of Colorado, but that forced me to adapt almost yearly to a new place, new school, no more friends, always starting as the outcast and forced to learn how to get people to be friends with you. Now this came at no trauma to myself because in reality it was normal to me. I didn't know of a world where you were just stable in one spot and allowed to just grow. So being a little odd, not having any sense of fashion or music or passions because I was always set onto a new path. Once I would become comfortable with one thing, it was time to move onto the next. I would consider myself a late bloomer of learning how to actually become cool. I remember when it all changed. It was a pair of lime green jelly sandals. My best friend of 5th grade got a pair....I needed a pair of these, I needed to fit in and understand why they were so amazing to have. They came in all colors. I got a blue pair. I loved them! I was so cool!! All thanks to my friend showing me they way. She introduced me to my first couple of bands. Spice girls, backstreet boys, and Nsync. We were all a spice girl and we envisioned dating a backstreet boy! I then realized that all my clothes were colored leggings and I was pretty dorky. I needed jeans, although nobody told me about the anti hi water rule, which later led to my unnecessary need to have my pants at least 4 inches longer than my legs. When I realized that all my friends had it so much easier than me, it became clear to me that if I wanted what they had, I was going to have to get it myself. Wasn't a problem for me though, I wasn't upset about my less fortunate situation.

This experience gave me the drive to conquer life. Although I had no direction in which way to begin, so I just started running. I started babysitting, and pulling weeds and cleaning, and then I got my first real job. At a glorious run down pizza shop. The start of my working career. It was an amazing place to work as a high school student. A place that you got to hang out with your friends, eat free pizza, and have food fights in the kitchen, and getting paid to do it!? Paradise was found!! I did happen to be an excellent employee, I was just also highly skilled at having irresponsible fun while working. Now going from having no extra money for various things like your friends have, especially at that teenage age, once I got my own money I bought shit. I could buy all kinds of shit now. And let me tell you the things I would buy were literally just that....shit. I had become entangled within the consumerism mindset to spend my money on things, and more things, and different colors of things, with not much thought to it aside from buy, then toss aside, buy more and get rid of. It is actually kind of sickening to think of how incredibly wasteful I was with my money and the resources of earth. The problem with consumerism is many things, but my specific points to the issue are as follows. It supports large corporations who under appreciate their employees, put little care into whatever is produced, and generally has no soul. This is also reflected in the way people value their items, someone involved in consumerism does not value their items, they get the "thing" and once the newness wears off from this soulless item, they are onto the next thing. Sometimes this becomes such a problem that they start to value their people and relationships in this way. This is the recipe for a very miserable existence.

What I have transitioned into become now is someone who holds value to things. I want every piece in my collection to have soul. Either something that resonates very deeply with me, something that was giving back to a charity, something that was hand made from an artist. This makes me value everything around me. I now think of every piece of furniture, my silverware, the artwork on my wall to have a deep soulful  purpose. This expressionism I have now recognized is a little like what my soul looks like on the inside. If you put your soul into the items you surround yourself with, it gives people a tangible substance to experience what the inside of you looks like. I have come to realize that this in itself is an expression of art.

This is a point where you are actually able to experience life as being a magical mysterious place. Things are in fact how you believe them to be. It is the truest form of power of the mind. If I have now come to a place where I can look at the world in awe of the human imagination, it changes everything around me. So much to the point that I can look at something I find to be boring, or ugly, and recognize that someone had to have come up with it at some point. Everything you look at is the result of human imagination and creativity. This starts to make the whole world start to glisten in a way not seen before. It is so abstract of an idea to see the world this way, but then again human imagination is in fact abstract.

Every where I look, I can see how someones mind exploded into that moment, and that was the result. When you see the world around you, that was actually inside someone's brain at one moment. That is fascinating to realize. To really imagine as if you are seeing substance of vision. It was the result of all the prior experience, influence, knowledge, family life, and all the past history that led up to that point, and cr
eated that one specific building, piece of art, iPhone, storage container, etc.

Everything that ever existed in history that came from a human being, was the result of imagination. Humans are creative beings, and even the most dull human has their expressionism they use for their outlet. No one is better or worse than the next, it just happens to work for whoever is using that medium.

Make a goal in life to start looking at the pieces around you to enhance your inner artist whatever that may be. Collect this to inspire your soul to do greater, even down to the people you keep around you, they are all their own works of art. Beauty is everywhere in the ugliest forms, if you allow yourself to see it.

This concludes the journey I have taken that has transformed me from my prior consumerism being, into the way I see my soul now skipping through my life experience collecting found pieces of it as I go. 

Saying goodbye

You always want to say goodbye to a loved one, get your closure. Be able to say goodbye to them, you love them, you will miss them when they are gone, give them one last hug.  However the closure is always most important within your own self. They knew you loved them, they didn't need that one last chat. You feel like that would have given you the chance to get closure with their death, but it wouldn't have. Losing a soul you love is painful. We as humans, imprint on one another and grow attachments and closeness to others.So when you lose someone that has affected a part of your heart, it hurts, and it is hard to realize why it is happening.

When someone dies, they are essentially gone in our modern day human comprehensions. If you learn to open yourself up to the universe and understand how energies work, then you will see they are not actually gone. Energy in all forms is a transferable thing. It comes in sources of heat, chemical, waves, and they are all used to convert it into new energy forms. As a human, with feelings and emotions, we are affected by death in the sense that it hurts our hearts very much, and we feel emptiness in place of that person. When a person dies, they are sacrificing their life, to give their energy to the universe. This energy is used by the rest of all living things. Immediately when a person dies, all that love that person and are directly in that persons life are affected. Their life is forever changed by the death. They took their life, and exploded their energy out into the universe like a super nova. This energy is directed immediately to their loved ones. Perhaps this initiates a great change within a loved one who needed a blast of this energy to wake up, and realize that life is precious and not to be wasted. That all your decisions affect your fragile life. To make sure that you do not waste this gift of time you have to mold the future of the universe. This energy is then dispersed by you to others, such as a lover, or a coworker, or a homeless man on the street.

I am not saying that this is how death works for everyone, or that it is how it should work. I am saying that for me, with my beliefs, I feel that this is the best way to utilize and make sure that you carry on that persons energy. They gifted you with their energy through their death. What you do with that gift is entirely up to you. You can waste it, or you can make the world better, or even simply your own life.

I lost my father at 18. It was actually the greatest gift that he has given me aside from my own life. When he passed away, he opened my eyes to so much of the world, that had he not sacrificed his soul, I may not have ever been able to see. I miss him terribly, but I know why he is gone. I understand the purpose of him passing. I would not be able to write this and understand what a gift people are giving to you when they pass on. They are still with you, living on through you, and the lives of all that they touched.

Be sure to live each day with the full intention to enjoy it. Minimize feelings that bring you unhappiness. Life is full of negative and positive energies. We of course need both to stay balanced, but you choose which side of the line you want to tread on. 

Evolution of the mind

Evolution.... this word has been tossed around in debate for a very long time.

I don't believe that there is some specific guideline and pattern that is being followed. That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't believe there could be either. I think that it is all by chance that each of these genetic mutations exist. They either flourish, or they die out and become obsolete.

However I do believe that the path that this planet Earth has gone down, has led us to the resulting complex melting pot.

In order for life to have gotten where it is now, we had to evolve from our monkey state of being, eating bugs out of each other's fur, and throwing poop at each other for fun. We slowly evolved into beings that were more nomadic, hunting our food, following the migrations of animals throughout the seasons, living off of the land, being one with the land, understanding the land. Growing crops and keeping livestock then became the source of human survival, and has obviously become the primary source for most of humanity up to the present day. Life during these times was seemingly simple, and yet stressful in their own ways. During these times you were focused on making the products in order to survive, you would harvest your crops to feed your family. This was still a time where the stronger you were, you had a higher chance of survivability.

Survival of the fittest. Does not exist any longer. With medicine excelling at such incredible lengths each and every year such astounding breakthroughs are discovered. The way that a physical ailment is taken out of a species to create a stronger more survivable generation is the sickness does not get passed down into future generations, because, typically the sick would die. The few with a weak genetic trait would not survive naturally, and would thus not last long in the gene pool of any species. Since now our medicine is so advanced, many seemingly weak traits are passed onto children, only to be kept into the gene pool. This may sound a little insensitive, and I am not meaning it to be this way. However in the "natural" world, this weakness would not allow the individual to survive long enough to reach a reproductive state. Since it passes before it is able to reproduce this trait is filtered rather quickly out of the species. Since now we are able to keep people alive for so long, they are able to pass along diseased gene traits to be kept into the genetic pool of humanity. Now let me repeat, I am not saying this is a bad or a good thing, just something that is happening.

Since this is the case now, stress seems to be a strong combatant that we are fighting to overcome. It has become the primary source for many sources of disease, cancers, mental illness, physical immunity. This is the biggest killer and threat to our life, and that is something that medicine is yet to overcome.

We as humans, do not like to think of dying. It is not a pleasant thought that crosses our mind. Stress is a gigantic threat to each and every one of our well being and survival. However this may be a new source of survival of the fittest. We could be witnessing the next step in an evolutionary process taking place before our eyes. Technology has become increasingly fast. In the past ten years, it has exploded. Information is brought to us at lightning speeds. We do not like to wait, we are into instant gratification. We experience and process so much more information daily, than a person even ten years ago did on a weekly basis. This has created a necessity of our brains to speed up. In order to process information, our brains will have to adapt and keep up. This is also going to make our stress levels go up. The fact of reality of the present moment in time. Technology heavily dominates our culture. In order to survive well, one must have the brain capacity to stay up to speed with the world.

Perhaps it is the next step to the evolutionary process. The path that life itself has taken on our little organic vessel. If staying up to a current brain power speed relevant to the increasingly fast world we live in also determines our survivability. Would it not make sense that the people that are now going to survive and flourish the best, are the ones that are able to handle more heavily involved and fast bits of information. Our species is becoming upgraded at extremely fast speeds. Each generation, is hopefully going to be better equipped to handle the fast paced lifestyle of the world. As a 6 year old, they are already subject to a gigantic amount of more stimulus than even I was as a 6 year old, just 20 years ago.

Here is the beautiful thing about evolution. Just as time and space have no beginning or end. Evolution does not exist with a starting point, or an ending point. Just exists in constant change. Infinitely forward, infinitely backwards. The mind blowing thing about evolution is this. Without the previous conditions the future conditions would not be. You cannot have a house built before the foundation. Evolution doesn't only pertain to life itself. It is directly involved with every aspect of this ever changing universe. You would not have a civilization of multicellular, complex, thinking beings, without the first single celled organisms coming together. It is all stepping stones. We would not have my beloved iPhone without the first car dash board gigantor that my dad had in his truck.

The incredible thing about all of these extraordinary changes in life...every single year, is that we are evolving at such incredibly fast rates now, that we can see it happening before our very own eyes. Just as the population explosion in the past 50 years has doubled, thing are speeding up. In every aspect. It is incredible to witness and be aware of.

If you so desire to read up and become more aware in the topic of things doubling, such as the population, and more specifically technology, check out Moore's Law :-)

Bee may be fuzzy but they are NOT cuddly

I have had this life long fear of bees. It's not like an actual phobia, more like one of those really annoying fears that makes you scream as if you are being murdered, but is slightly more annoying, so people just look at you like you are the idiot chick who screams at retarded things. Now it is mostly a case where I don't like when they get near me, I can see them flying around and appreciate that they are so cute and fuzzy, but they always just feel like flying right at my face. I don't do the calm hold still thing very well, I do the scream and flail method by instinct.





So one day I am taking a shower. I jump out and grab my towel and start drying myself off. I get my arms, move down my tummy, and lean over to start drying off my legs. I stand up, and come face to face with a bee...locked in the bathroom with me....blocking the door. It was as if he were some sort of guard bee shouting "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!" He is literally just suspended in mid air looking me right in the face. Now I don't work well under pressure, or adrenaline. It's as if my brain freezes up and I forget that I am a human and I can think rationally. I do the first thing that pops into my head; I hold the towel up in front of me as if I can use it as a shield against his stare down. I realize he is blocking my exit, and start to panic. What am I going to do!? I am stuck behind this makeshift towel barrier and he is going to bust through it any moment! Well I quickly realize the only way to escape was to cover his head. So I throw the towel up and forward to try to catch him under. This is when things sped up for me. I did the whole shriek and flailing arms thing out of the bathroom. My sister is sitting on the couch in the living room reading her book peacefully. Then I run across the room, nude while screaming and flailing my arms back and forth as if I was in a bad horror film. Ya I was that chick.

Umm weird cat lady anyone?

So the other night I am chatting with my friend on the phone. He asks what am I going to do for the night. I have been avoiding going out lately, but kind of felt like I wanted a drink, so I ask him to hang out with me on Skype while I get drunk (he lives in another country). It happened to be 5:30 in the morning, much different to the time it was for me, about 9:30 pm. As I am talking to him, I am laughing at my two cats, and begin taking pictures of them. Now I am really getting into this night, I settle in with a drink, slightly bummed he was going to sleep, I started to accept this as my cats were getting more and more entertaining to follow around with a camera.

He then lays it on me, no mercy here. "Soooo you're just going to sit at home alone getting drunk and take pictures of your cats....cool"

Oh god!! Is this true!? I mean when you put it that way....Shit! I was sitting at home, alone, about to get drunk and take pictures of my cats!!