I am now 26 years old, I still feel young, but I am certainly no longer 18....when you passed away.
Now that I am a young adult, things are more clear to me.
First things first, I am aware that I did in fact not know more than you did.
Now that I am who I am I would like to know more things about you.
I wish that I could know what you thought about complex issues with the world. Things like philosophical questions concerning god and the universe. How you felt about all of the pains the world has suffered and is suffering. I would like to know if you truly questioned the world and your environment. I wonder these things, because at the time, I was a simple teenager. I wanted to hang out with my friends. I didn't think about important things like this. I never had the opportunity to know you on this level. I am sad that this is true, however I cannot regret the way I learned who you were because it was relevant to my age.
It is interesting because this is the one thing in my life that has brought me the most pain, and it is the thing that I think about the least. I cannot think about you in the good ways, or the bad ways, the way my mind deals with things is it deletes them from acknowledgment so I do not have to feel the pain that it brings.
I have come to an amazing awareness already only being into a handful of sentences. Words truly do have a great resonating meaning behind them. What you say into the universe will directly bring energy back to you. I wrote out the previous paragraph and felt such an intense burning feeling of loss and emotional turmoil, that is made me realize, that even just typing this out to you, even not being there will help me to take one further step into allowing myself to accept the future without you.
So far, since you left, I actually cannot remember much from the time before that month, and few months following. The mind is such a powerful entity into one's life that it can actually delete portions just to allow one to cope with reality. I feel once you passed my life became a drifting feather in the wind. It left me with no means of guidance other than learn by fire. I have been living through trial and error now for almost 10 years. Granted it has made me a very strong person in many aspects to life, so I cannot be upset for the journey. I feel that I have now come to a point in life, that I am ready to stop drifting. I can stop running away, because inevitably the one thing that I try to run away from always follows, that is me. It is time to take all of my growth and apply it to my own life. To allow myself to finally be the one who benefits from the journey of lessons.
I would like to know what you and Mom did when I was little. I want to hear about the times when you were in love, and why you loved her. I want to know what brought you pain. I want to know about all of the friends that came to your funeral that I didn't even know you had. They thought the world of you, and I didn't even know they existed. I don't even know if you ever went on a date with a woman, I want to know if you had a secret romance going on that I never even thought possible, because as far as I knew Ali and I were the only girls in your life. I want to hear more about your early first love Babs, you never did get over her.
I wish you could meet my best friends Heather and Kimama, because they have been the longest time friends I have ever had, and you would love them, and I want to see what it would be like for them to love you back. I wish you could have been around for the worst relationship I have ever been damaged from, because I know you would have never allowed him to do what he did. I want you to know that he knew that your energy would never have allowed him in my life so he couldn't even allow your picture to look him in the face. It makes me feel strength to know you would have protected me from this had you been here.
I wish you could comfort Alina, because I know that she has alot of questions for you like I do. Her pain from missing you almost makes me feel as if mine is insignificant. It makes me want to be strong so that she doesn't feel as alone in her journey. You will be happy to know that she has also made tremendous progress in life and has become a wonderful person you would be so proud of.
I wish that now that I know who I am, and now that I know who my mother is, that I could be a catalyst for you guys to regrow a friendship, because as stubborn as you both are, you are both very dear to me and I would love to cure the animosity that was left behind. Even if it isn't within her any longer, it is a reality in my mind.
I wish now that you could be present in my future. I wish that you were able to see who I am going to marry, and walk me down the isle to him. I wish you could be a grand daddy to my baby, because I know how cute that would be to see.
I have come to believe that sometimes angels can speak to you in dreams. I don't know that I believe in the classic term "angel" as much as positive messages from the universe meant to put ones mind at peace with an issue, but that is all a matter of irrelevant symbols we as people need to put on ideas in order to understand the content behind them. For this I will say a message from somewhere outside of my own mind.
I had a dream a few years back. The kind that was so beautiful I woke up crying out of sleep. You were building a house. You had the concrete foundation poured and it was getting ready to have the frame set. We were all standing on the slab, and you vanished. I have already lost you in reality so I understand what it means when you are no longer there in my dreams. You left the earth. The pain of losing you in my dream dropped me to my knees and I dropped my forehead to the cement and cried burying my face in my hands. Your friend Nathan leaned down and put his hand comfortingly on my shoulder. I looked up at him and as I wept I told him "I just wanted him to see the rest of the house be built." He responded with something powerful, "He was never meant to see the house be built, he was only supposed to lay the foundation."
I woke up from this dream, fully understanding the message that I was meant to receive. It was the first time I had ever come to that realization. As much as I wish to have all of these things in my message to come true for me, it was not meant to be. My life was not meant to have you transition me into my adult life. The lessons I was supposed to acquire on this journey were to be independent of your current influence.
You loved Alina and I truly more than anything in the world, and that is something special that not all children can have from their dads. It is a gift that we were fortunate enough to receive.
I understand that your soul sacrificed the rest of your life, in order to give Alina and I a gift. It sounds terrible to call death a gift, however I truly believe that was what it was. I would never have understood the world, and connected with myself on a spiritual level had this not happened to me. It opened up my mind and my world to receiving energy that I otherwise had regarded as nonsense. This has been one of the most powerful influences on my life. It has taught me to be kind, and see the beauty in everything. I am not perfect obviously, but I have the tools to understand the world on a different level. It has helped me accept people that I do not agree with. I can now be more at peace in every situation. It brings me such joy to think that I can take this energy and give it to others that are still here living with me. I want to take this and make other people feel good. Help encourage them on their own great journey. You left me with this so I can pass it along to my sisters, and my mother, and close friends and my lover. So I will leave this message to you with thank you for loving me, and thank you for showing me the way once I finally do get there.
